Livin' Large/Transcript

	Open to outside of Fentonworks.
Danny	(offscreen) Ugh. (Fade in to the inside of Danny's room, facing his door.) I am so dead.
	Danny (in his ghost form) phases through his door. Once inside he turns human. Danny walks to his bed as the door slams open and Tucker and Sam walk in. The door slams shut behind them.
Danny	(Danny flops face down on his bed.) Who knew learning stuff and groping for the approval of our peers could be so exhausting.
	Sam and Tucker plop down onto a beanbag chair and desk chair respectively.
Tucker	7:30 to 3:30. School's like an 8 hour day.
Danny	And every day's a battle. Especially when I have to battle something. (Turns around to face Sam and Tucker.) Is this it guys? Is the fun over? Is life just downhill from here?
Tucker	No way. Life will get a heck of a lot better when someone pays us to work our butts off.
Jack	Hello youngsters. How was school?
Danny	Well, it was pretty exhaust--
Jack	That's super. Your mother and I need the help of three strong hands down in the lab so let's hop to.
Danny	How much are you paying?
Jack	I pay you to mow the lawn. This you'll do for the love of science! Lean all your weight into that photon generator son. It refuses to generate photons unless someone tips it a bit to the left.
Maddie	Our equipment's a tad persnickety. Sam just aim your satellite dish into the sky above that neon taco sign. That's where Star Net 7 is in geo-synchronous orbit with our lab.
Sam	But…but…
Maddie	Quiet. Don't speak or move a muscle for the next 37 and a half minutes.
Tucker	Man, Fenton Works sure is low fi.
Jack	Nonsense, here. Take this world's best mom coffee mug and pound on top of the oscilloscope when it goes all fuzzy.
Tucker	Hey. I'm a real life scientist.
Jack	Maddie dear, crank her up.
Sam	What's all this supposed to do?
Jack	If all goes right it should evaporate every ghost being within my cell phone calling range. With no roaming charges.
Danny	Uh, gee dad, maybe we shouldn't…
	Doorbell rings.
Jack	Now who in blazes could that be?
Jazz	Mom? Dad? There's someone here to see you.
	They all gasp.
	Theme song.
Jack	Wow if it isn't my heroes, the Guys in White.
Maddie	I'm surprised you rang the bell. Don't you usually knock in a wall or crash through the ceiling.
Operative O	Sorry. Habit.
Operative K	(clears throat) The government is sorry about all the past misunderstandings.
Operative O	Like labeling you a crackpot, Fenton. That was…wrong of us.
Operative K	The government now admits that you are, uh, well, geniuses.
Jack	Well it's about doggone time.
Maddie	Oh Jack. Finally. Government approval of our work.
Operative K	About that work. The government has authorized us to buy it, lock stock and barrel.
Jack	Ha! Don't be ridiculous. I've pour my heart, soul and life's blood into this laboratory. And you can't put a price on that. Fenton Works is not for sale. Wow. That's a lot of zeros. It's all yours.
Maddie	Jack. You can't sell our home. Wow. That's a lot of zeros. We'll be out my noon tomorrow.
Danny	Wait just a minute. What about the Fenton portal? If we sell the house how will I--you access the Ghost Zone?
Jack	We're rich son. From now on we'll just pay someone to answer tough questions like that.
	I'll have to ask you all to step away from the government property.
Jack	Thanks for moving us fellas. Oh and don't worry about the broken stuff. We'll buy new. We're rich. New lab equipment. Ah that new lab equipment smell.
	Yeah, the smelliest. Where do you want all this stuff, buddy?
Jack	It all goes into the billiard room. Or as I call it now, Fenton Works 2: This time it's personal.
Vlad	What in the name of evil? Jack Fenton? What are you doing here in ultra posh Polter Heights?
Jack	Moving in Mayor. I mean Vladdie. I mean neighbor.
Vlad	But you can't afford this neighborhood.
Jack	I can now. You shoulda seen the size of the cheque we got. Sucker was ye big. I see cozy backyard barbecues in our future.
Vlad	Yes that sounds. Akin to sticking hot needles in my--
Maddie	Jack! You won't believe it. I got lost…in my walk in closet. I finally got a ride out on my automated shoe rack. Oh hello Vlad. We're neighbors?
Vlad	Indeed. I forgot for a moment that you would be moving in with Jack. I'll pop by later and drop off a welcome to the block bunt cake.
Jack and Maddie	Oooh.
Jack	Well, it doesn't get much better than this. An embarrassingly big home, money to burn and now bunt cake!
	The elevator door opens revealing a butler holding a tray with two empty glasses.
Maddie	Hiya!
Jack	Maddie, meet Hobson. He came with the place. Isn't that cool?
Maddie	A butler? Oh that is cool.
Hobon	Positively radical. Mater Daniel and friends request another round of exotic milkshakes. This time they want…kiwi fudge.
	Cut to Danny's new bedroom. Danny is pacing, Tucker is drinking the last of his milkshake and Sam is leaning against the wall near the window, clearly upset.
Tucker	Ahh. That Hobson makes a mean shake.
Sam	He's had enough practice. How many have you had in the last hour?
Tucker	Four. Danny said we can make ourselves at home. Right, D?
Danny	[Stops pacing to look at Tucker] What's that? Oh. Yeah. [Increasingly dejected] Sure. At Home.
Tucker	What's with you, man? Cheer up! I mean, look at your new room. [Giving a tour of Danny's new room] You've got three, count 'em, three big screens. The hugest stereo speakers I have ever seen hooked up to the tiniest digital music player known to man. [Hops into chair] And this video game chair [spins in the chair] is heaven in nagahide.
Danny	I know I'm lucky it's just, I'm worried about accessing the Ghost Zone.
Sam	[perks up] Finally! I thought I was the only one freaking out about your folks selling out to "the man."
Tucker	We're there two men?
Sam	I mean the government. I don't trust those guys. They're up to something. Bad. I know it.
Tucker	[Looking at Sam] Okay, she's talking crazy [turns to Danny] and you're bumming me out. Life just got a lot better for you. For all of us. I say we kick back, watch three movies at once [picks up the remote] and enjoy.
	Tucker turns on the TVs and a series of films play. A kung fu movie, a racing film, and a Star Wars-eque film. Cut to Danny looking visibly relaxed.
Danny	Well, I did put a lock on the Ghost Portal.
	Danny sits down and joins Tucker in watching the movies. He turns to Tucker.
Danny	Maybe you're right.
Tucker	Of course I am. [Points to behind Danny] Help yourself, dude.
	Cut to Hobson standing behind Danny, holding two milkshakes on a silver platter. Danny turns around and smiles.
Hobson	Kiwi fudge shake, Master Daniel?
Danny	[Takes a glass] Don't mind if I do.
	Danny takes a drink of the milkshake and hums contently and licks his lips. He turns to Hobson.
Danny	Hey, you think you can whip up one of these babies using cheese puffs and bacon.
	Hobson gags and turns green.
Hobson	Certainly sir.
	Hobson walks out. Cut to Sam by the window. She turns to Danny's telescope and looks through the eyepiece towards Fenton Works. All of the lights inside the building are flickering.
Sam	They're up to something. And I'm going to find out what it is.
	Cut to Fenton Works Lab. The Fenton Portal is still locked, and there are Guys in White agents are standing around the lab. The unnamed device from earlier is still in the lab.
Operative K	Operative L, haven't you got that sonic transducer powered up yet?
Operative L	[Holding two power strips] Trying to find some place to plug it in. This lab is a joke. Completely primitive. [Turns to the side] Ah, here's an empty socket.
	He leans down to plug in the power strips and gets shocked. He is sent flying upwards, landing on the other side of the lab. The lights flicker off, and are replaced by low yellow lights powered by a back-up generator.
Operative K	Great. Now we can't even see all the junk that doesn't work.
	A thud is heard and the building's electricity whirs as the lights turn back on. Some of the agents look around, confused as to why the lights turned back on. They turn to look at Operative M who is holding the coffee mug from earlier on top of a piece of technology.
Operative M	I think I did, sir. I just set this World's Best Mom mug on top of the photon generator and the lights came on. How in the world did an idiot like Fenton stumble onto a Ghost Zone portal working in this dump.
Operative K	Unknowable. Let's just figure out something concrete, [gestures to the portal] like how to unlock the darn portal. After all [walks over to the missile and stands proud]…we have a missile to launch.
	The other operatives stand at the ready, like Operative K. Operative L, still smoking from being shocked, walks up to join them. One of the operatives looks at him confused. Fade to the Fenton mansion. Down in the lab, Jack is setting up a large device and Maddie is digging through some moving boxes.
Maddie	Oh poo. I think I left my lucky mug back in the old lab.
Jack	Well it's Uncle Sam's now, but relax. I just hooked up our new Matter Fashioner by Ghost Co. I just pour the polystyrene matter pellets in the tray, type in the desired atom's UPC code and…hey. Presto, here's your mug. Mom.
Maddie	Oh there's coffee in it. Mmm. Sumatran.
Jack	I spared no expense setting up Fenton Works 2. We've got every doohickey and thingamabob known to science. Like this bad boy. My brand spanking new Reality Drill, also by Ghostco. As we speak it's cutting us a new portal into the Ghost Zone.
Jazz	Uh, hello?
Jack and Maddie	Who's that?
Jack	Jazz! Are you okay? Have you been captured.
Jazz	Hello? I'm on the video intercom.
Jack	Woah. I didn't know we had one of those puppies.
Jazz	This house is perfect. Did you know my wing has its own fully stocked library?
Maddie	Uh huh that's great honey. You know you look very nice on screen.
Jazz	Have Hobson serve my dinner in the stacks. I'll be in natural sciences between celestial mechanics and ephemeri. Jazz out.
Maddie	Oh dear, my new desk wobbles.
Jack	Well there's no problem money can't solve.
Danny	You are going down dude. Come on, put up a fight. Ugh, I win. Again. Hobson, you stink at this game.
Hobson	Beg pardon, Master Daniel. There was precious little gaming while I was a youth during the Blitz.
Danny	Try Tucker again. At least he'll put up a halfway decent fight.
Tucker	Danny I can't believe you ditched school today. We had a test, man. Oh. Hey Hobson. Yeah I'll hold.
Danny	Tuck! Get over here! I got Caveman Auto Thief. It's rated "E" for "entrails."
Tucker	Hold up. You skipped school and flunked a test to play video games?
Danny	Yeah. Cool, huh? You were right, Tuck. I got it made.
Tucker	No, I didn't mean-
Danny	Thanks to that lock I put on the portal there's been a distinct lack of, uh, "unwanted visitors" lately. Finally I can kick back and relax.
Tucker	But we're supposed to meet Sam at the old Fenton Works. She said something really weird's going on.
Danny	I've got more important stuff to do. And a cool old guy to do it for me.
Tucker	Danny? Aw dang.
Sam	Here. Hang on to it. This place is crawling with government agents. Let's sneak in Danny's window.
Unnamed Operative	We've got to figure out how to open that stupid Fenton Portal.
Operative M	Have you tried hitting it with a coffee mug?
Operative L	Why did we ever buy this junk heap of a lab, anyway?
Operative K	Didn't you get the memo? So we can fire this anti-ecto missile into that portal and destroy the entire Ghost Zone.
	Sam and Tucker gasp.
Operative K	Prepare for total destruction of the Ghost Zone. No more undocumented specters, and no more annoying Phantom kid.
Sam	Tuck, in astrophysics what happens when an entire dimension is suddenly removed from a plane of existence.
Tucker	Easy. The whole dimensional structure becomes unstable and…kafluey.
Sam	Well the Ghost Zone is the flip side of our realm. If it goes, we go. We've gotta get Danny.
Danny	Okay Tuck old pal. It's time to get real and fight like men.
Tuckbot XL	You mean fight like machines. Tuckbot XL says put up your dukes. I'm going to whallop on you now.
Danny	[laughs] That's what all you robots say. Right Gothbot 9000?
Gothbot 9000	Yes Danny. But then, everything you say is wonderfully correct.
Danny	Round 1
Sam	Danny!
Tucker	The world needs you, man! Woah, it's a robotic…me. The perfect marriage of me and machine. They said it couldn't be done.
Danny	Anything can be done with money.
Sam	This is sick. You replaced us with robots. My makeup looks nothing like that. And I do not have rivits in my cheeks. Though that might look pretty cool.
Danny	See? That's exactly why I ordered them. Robots don't freak out. They behave according to preset algorithims. These two understand Danny Fenton.
Sam	Snap out of it, Danny! Take it from me. Money can change a person. You can't let it. You're Danny Phantom. You're supposed to stop bad guys, not sit around on your butt counting money.
Jack	Danny! Come on! It's time to sit around on our butts and count our money. You know, quality family time. Your friends all look remarkably similar.
Tucker	Danny! The Guys in White are planning to blow up the Ghost Zone with an anti-ecto missile.
Danny	Relax. I told ya I put a password protected lock on the portal. It's "open sesame." Good one, huh?
Sam	Once they crack that password, they'll destroy our world along with the Ghost Zone. We've got to stop--
Danny	Not "we." I am done. I got it made here. Playing hero takes way too much energy.
Sam	Danny you're ticking me off. I thought there was something more to you. Something…deeper.
Danny	Go ahead, get ticked off. I've got my robot friends to back me up now.
Sam	Fine, but you should know those robots will never tell you what you really need to hear.
Danny	All I need to hear is game time, dinner time, and milkshake time. And they're programmed to say it.
Sam	Then you should program chump time because you're being a rich, snobby jerk. Come on, Tucker. We've got a few worlds to save.
Tuckbot	Ha ha ha. Chump time. She is a very funny human. Ha ha ha.
Tuckerbot extends and smacks Danny on the head.
Sam	(Whispering) Stand back, Tucker.
Operative	Ow.
Sam and Tucker	Oops.
Sam	You can't keep us here. I know the law. I read a graphic novel version of the constitution.
Operative K	We just need you out of the way until we finish our mission.
Sam	You mean destroying the world?
Operative K	Part of it, yes. The nasty ghost infested part. Won't that be nice.
Sam	But you're wrong. If you destroy the Ghost Zone you also destroy--
Operative K	Hey. Kids. Lighten up. We're the good guys. We wear white, remember?
Operative L	Well the password does not include the word Jack, Fenton, Maddie or World's Best Mom.
Operative K	Keep trying. Don't let these meddling kids
Tucker	Cool. I've always wanted to be called a meddling kid.
Sam	Super. Now you can die happy.
Danny	Hello?
	The empty foyer echoes Danny's "Hello"
Hobson	Care for a shake?
Danny	No thanks, Hobson. No appetite.
Hobson	Forgive me, Master Daniel. You seem a tad…bummed. Did your milkshake straw become clogged?
Danny	I'm just going through some stuff.
Hobson	Perhaps a rousing game of Caveman Car Thief would quicken the pulse.
Danny	I've played my games, bought tons of extra junk, counted my money. Again. It's just not…satisfying.
Hobson	Dare I say perhaps there is more to life than wealth. And what do you suppose your purpose might be Master Daniel.
Danny	Huh. Lately, um, being a rich jerk.
Hobson	Does that feel like the real you?
Danny	Not exactly.
Hobson	It seems to me your friends Tucker and Sam know the real you.
Danny	You think?
Hobson	Certainly more than those two automatons in your room. A good friend is like a good butler. Indispensible and loyal for life.
Danny	Thanks Hobson. Um, there's something the real me needs to help out with. Later. Suddenly got my appetite back.
Hobson	Way to get your butler in gear sir.
Danny	Mom? Dad? Is the new portal fin--Huh? Where is everybody?
Reality Drill	Mr. and Mrs. Fenton have gone to the theater.
Danny	Reality Drill, I need to get into the Ghost Zone quick. What's your ETA on breaking through?
Reality Drill	Ghost Zone. Breaking through.
Danny	Yeah. Ghost Zone. You're a drill. You're drilling to get to the Ghost Zone, remember? Huh? For novelty purposes only? Wait, you're not really a reality drill?
Reality Drill	No, but I make a mean ecto-latte.
Danny	Good purchase, dad.
	Danny goes ghost and flies to Fenton Works.
Danny	Woah. It's a Guys in White invasion force.
	Operative L sees Danny and starts firing.
Danny	I'll never get past them. Stopping the missile from inside the Ghost Zone is still my best bet. And there's only one other way I can think of to get in.
	Danny searches Vlad's mansion.
Danny	Now where would that portal be? Okay, think fast. If I were Vlad's portal where would I be. Woah. That is a really big, really ugly painting. Evil dudes are so predictable. There's gotta be a way to open it.
	Danny sees a Vlad head figurine nearby. He flips it up to reveal a button and presses it.
Danny	Goodbye ugly painting, hello Ghost Zone.
	The painting opens, revealing a portal to the Ghost Zone. Danny flies in and looks around.
Danny	Okay, where am I? The Ghost King's castle? Oh man I'm halfway across the Zone. I need speed.
	An engine revs nearby and Danny looks over to see it's Johnny 13 riding on his motorcycle. He flies up to him, waves, and blasts him off of his bike.
Danny	Sorry, Johnny. It's for your own good.
Youngblood	Captain Youngblood, intrepid astronaut, prepares for his historic launch into space. Phantom, dude, you're just in time. Want to watch me launch myself into the hearts of millions?
Danny	No time Youngblood. Maybe later. If we're all still around.
Agent L	They're sure this program will crack the password code sir. I'll just hook up my laptop and--
	He plugs in the cable from his laptop into the lab's main computer. Electricity crackles, sending Agents L and O backwards. This sets off a chain reaction of the Guys in White tripping all over the lab and breaking things.
Operative O	What is this place? Haunted?
Sam	No. You guys are just really, really mental.
Tucker	[laughs] Yeah. You're too stupid to crack the easiest password in the world.
Operative O	Says you.
Tucker	Yeah. Says me.
Operative O	Says me? Sesame. Open sesame!
Tucker	Oops. Okay, they're not that stupid.
	Cut to Skulker in the Ghost Zone. He is hurling a rock through the air and blasting it to pieces.
Skulker	Ah, Danny Phantom. Skulker's skeet practice just got interesting.
Danny	Woah. Woah, easy boy. You need me alive. The Ghost Zone is in hard core danger.
Skulker	What are you babbling about--
Operative L	Come on. Open sesame? It can't be the code, it's too ridiculous.
Operative K	We're talking Fenton here.
Operative L	Right. I'll give it a shot.
	Operative L types in the password and the portal unlocks. Sam and Tucker gasp.
Operative K	Finally something works around here. Pull that door open.
Danny	Oh no. No no no no no!
Opertaive K	Gentlemen, we are about to peer into a whole new world. For us to destroy.
Operative L	This calls for a toast.
Operative M	Maybe a nice cheese plate.
Operative K	No. This calls for the Ghost Zone missile. Operative O. Fire when ready!
	Operative O presses a button on the computer, activating the rocket. Cut to the Ghost Zone where Danny, Johnny 13, Skulker and Youngblood are pulling a large rock on Youngblood's elastic band.
Youngblood	This is gonna be so cool!
Skulker	I still don't get why we should trust you Phan--
Danny	Just shut up and pull! Fire!
	They release the rock, sending it flying into the portal. It plugs up the portal moments before the rocket hits the Ghost Zone.
Danny	Nice job, boys.
	Johnny 13, Skulker and Youngblood all turn to Danny, ready to attack. They start firing as he flies away. Cut to inside Fenton Works.
Tucker	So, that was a novelty rocket?
Sam	I guess a weapon that destroys stuff in that reality just makes a gooey mess in this reality.
Operative K	I can't take it anymore. Stone walls out of nowhere. Bubblegum bombs. This lab is cursed! Unlock those kids and let's get out of here before it destroys us all.
	The Guys in White flee to the front door, but are knocked back onto the floor when the door opens.
Jack	Ah there you guys are. We've had just a skosh of seller's remorse and uh, well, we were kinda hoping that--
Operative	It's all yours.
Operative	Lock, stock and barrel!
Operative K	Just let us out of here!
Jack	Careful fellas. We're not made of money anymore.
Maddie	I'm glad we're back, Jack. And I'm glad we get to see the kids on more than just a tiny TV screen.
Danny	We're glad to see you guys, too.
Jazz	Life was lonely in the library stacks. Books are great, but hardly as entertaining as you guys.
Danny	Yeah that mansion was so big I lost something sort of important to me. Myself. I'm glad to be back. Heck, I'm even sorta looking forward to working hard again.
Tucker	Great. You can start with helping get this ecto goo off us.
Sam	Without pulling our hair out.
Danny, Jack, Jazz and Maddie	Hobon!
Jack	Oh, right.
Danny	I miss being rich already.
Gothbot	Do not despair Danny. You still have us.
	Tuckbot's beret extends and smacks Danny in the head again.
	End of episode.